Your translation definitely sounds more correct than mine I still have the tendency to insert a period into the Japanese sentence towards the end, which more often than not gives a pretty wrong meaning
I’ll update the top post with the following weighting criteria, but super literal is far less important than capturing the gist and general vibe of the poem:
Does it capture the meaning and “vibe” of the original accurately and completely?
Is the English translation easily understood?
Submissions with more “likes” are weighted more heavily than those with fewer.
Short and pithy is better than long and wordy (to capture the essence of 5-7-5 in Japanese).
Three stanzas are preferred, but strict adherence to 5-7-5 English syllables is absolutely not required. It’s nice when a translation is itself an English senryu, but that won’t often be feasible. Submissions that are English senryu are notable, but won’t normally be scored higher.
Word for word substitutions when translating from Japanese to English are generally preferred (with wide latitude in choosing precisely which word is used). Extra words not in the original are penalized (but often necessary).
Maintaining the order of thoughts from the original Japanese does not matter . It’s often necessary to change the order due to grammatical and stylistic differences between the languages.
(Completely subjective) Which entry seems the most “poetic,” with senryu-like attributes (rueful humor, word play, surprise twists)?
I’m copying the translations and readings into the spreadsheet as we go. It’s less work for me if the submissions include the reading in kana (and it gives us all a chance to catch any mistakes – like mine!).
Because I can’t include furigana easily in a Google Sheets cell, I actually prefer just a separate line of kana (easier to cut and paste). I’ve been breaking them into stanzas, too, but that isn’t really necessary.
Ohh okay this makes a lot of sense! (Sorry I missed the original posting of the criteria)
This is a deceptively complex task. The “comprehension” hurdle is just the first step. The translation can say so much about the translator and his/her own perceptions and experience. Then capturing the original poetry and tone is its own thing entirely. Super fun exercise. (Translation is hard)
I’ll make the final call tomorrow in case there are more submissions or additional comments, but I like this second version better.
In some senses it might even be better than the original.
You’ve put the punchline of a different teacher at the end. This is a different nuance, but I think it works well. The original Japanese hides that the writer was asleep until the end, and makes awakening the punchline. This is possible because of how Japanese grammar works.
But a literal translation (“Before my eyes / a different teacher / upon awakening”) doesn’t work quite as well in English to my ears.
Adding words or changing the emphasis like:
Before my eyes / a different teacher / startling me awake
Before my eyes / a different teacher / I’m wide awake now
Before my eyes / a different teacher / I’m no longer asleep
(or something) might work, but requires new/different words.
I assure you this was entirely accidental. I didn’t realize that the word at the end constituted a punchline, and you provided some interpretations that I hadn’t even thought about, but which I quite like, like
the idea of being startled awake being the kicker here.
I played with both of those and ultimately went with the other one. I’m glad you liked that word choice, though, because I was kind of partial to it myself.
This is where “y’all” excels as a 2nd person plural for us southerners.
Is there some wordplay here with 一服 meaning both “to take a puff” and “to rest”? And with 服す meaning to observe, wherein observe can mean both “to obey (policy)” and “to look (carefully) at”? Or am I way off base?