Crabsmas riddle? Durtle Heaven finally near?

I have no idea if anyone has already talked about this, but I found this link hidden in the crabsmas thread picture: https://crabigator.church/

If you click through the Crabigatorism and You topic, there will be some info on Durtle Heaven, that you are restricted access to. I’ve found out how to access it, but for my inability to recall how to make spoiler tags, I’ll leave it to everyone to find out themselves until I’ve looked it up. I haven’t gotten any farther yet, because I’m way too excited.

in the link change /denyaccess.html to /allowaccess.html
That worked for me at least.

What happened so far

January 6 Updates

The beginning

Summary

@brieftaube found a secret link inside the image of Koichi’s Merry Crabmas post https://community.wanikani.com/t/merry-crabsmas-everyone/40982. This link was https://crabigator.church/

The image

Later, brieftaube also noted that a hint was placed in the “national treasure” vocabulary item.

The website

The website seems to be describing and explaining the church of the crabigator, or crabigatorism.

Front Page

Front Page

Welcome to the .com of Crabigator.church.

You have come to the right place. You will find all that you seek in Crabigatorism. “Is there something bigger than me out there?” you ask. Elephants. Some trees. But, there is something even bigger than trees. Join us to allow Crabigatorism to clip away all your dissatisfaction.

Please read all our menu items as they have recently changed.

A scrolling bar at the top exclaims “New updates daily!” followed by an asterisk. If one manages to click the asterisk, one of led to the following page:

The page explains:

Some updates happen beyond the places your eyes may reach, but not all is the same, not all can be trusted.

Secrets on this page

The bar scrolling form right to left has a little white space beneath it. By looking at the console (found by carlostdev) or by changing overflow:hidden in the css file (found by kumirei), the following is revealed

@carlostdev also found a little comment on the front page

Clicking the link of Crabigator.church at the top doesn’t actually lead to the homepage, but to

https://crabigator.church/🦀🐊.html

Clicking this link results in a page that says

Error Page. You did something wrong to come here. What are you looking for, secrets? Ha. You think there are secrets hidden within the Crabigatorism website? Go back to your National Treasure movies, you amateur.

Find Crabigator Churches Near You!

Two links are found on this page. One links to the church finder.

Find Crabigator Churches Near You!

Church Finder Tool v3.45

There are churches of Crabigatorism popping up constantly. To find a place of worship, click the button below to share your location with the Church of Crabigatorism.

When pressing the button “Find Crabigator Churches Near Your Current Location”, an overly accurate latitude and longitude of your current location is given.

We’ve pinpointed your location!

Latitude: xx.093013299999996
Longitude: xx.0699624

Thank you, the Church of Crabigatorism is now tracking your movements. It turns out the closest place of worship was inside you this whole time.

It could be possible that these residual numbers are some type of code

@Weirdmind found that the source of the image was:

which at least hints that we’re not just ridiculous for trying to solve riddles and that we must be on the right path and definitely are not wasting our time.

Weirdmind is reminded of Bipple and his nipples by seeing this picture

Reminds me of Bipple and his nipples. (don’t think it’s related though)
image

Crabigatorism

The other link tells the story of Crabigatorism

Crabigatorism & You!

The second working link gives the story of Crabigatorism and its beliefs. Since every page contains a link to the next part of the story, I’m just gonna put everything here. The toilet addendum is placed below as well.

Crabigatorism & You!

Thank you for your interest in the Church of Crabigatorism. If you are interested in learning more about Crabigatorism, you’ve come to the right place.

The Church of Crabigatorism is currently the only recognized sect of Crabigatorism in the world, though many other recognized sects exist elsewhere. Thousands of beings enjoy the warm embrace of the Crabigator’s jaw. You too can know the joy of the Crabigator. To find a church near you, please use our church finder tool.

What is Crabigatorism?

Crabigatorism is a non-recognized (by the world government) religion and/or cult that believes in a thing or two.

In Crabigatorism, we worship the Crabigator, a giant crab-alligator hybrid who feeds on upon our learning and suffering. There are many sects or cults that celebrate the Crabigator in their own ways. For example, one offshoot of the Church of Crabigatorism performs worship through constant kanji reviews. Quite appropriate, considering the ancient doctrine! By suffering and overcoming enough learning challenges, we are permited into the final challenge of hell.

The Church of Crabigatorism accepts all who are willing to learn and suffer for the Crabigator, so long as that learning is applied to that which is good and just.

Origins of Crabigatorism on Earth

To understand Crabigatorism, one must understand where it comes from.

Many millions of years ago, a postage stamp sized creature made of simple processors and tiny, articulating arms, hurtled through space at 4/5ths the speed of light on the back of 400 gigawatts of laser energy. When the temperature rose to -254 degrees, its solar cells came to life and began absorbing photons.

With enough time and energy, its first layer of processors came to life. It had gained a level of consciousness that allowed itself to generate a model of itself in regards to its space.

With more energy, more time, and more perceverence, it was able to turn on its second layer of processors. A tiny antennae measured its location in space and the second layer of processors concluded it was time to slow down. It identified where it needed to go and made very minor adjustments. It noted how accurate the shot made by its creators was, though lacked the ability to be impressed or unimpressed. It scanned for threats but couldn’t find any.

When the green-blue planet we call Earth came into view, its third layer of processors turned themselves on. It slowed to 1/5th the speed of light. It was then that the postage stamp sized creature realized how alone it was. There was nothing else to compare to. It didn’t–it couldn’t feel bad or lonely about his, but if any other creatures showed up it was more than ready to figure out where it belonged in the hierarchy.

Finally, it was when the fourth line of processors activated that things got interesting. Time came into existence. Or rather, its memories came to life, as well as its ability to use said memories to make decisions about the future. “Now that’s an interesting thought. There’s a future! I’d very much like to see more of it,” it thought, as it ran into the dark side of our moon.

From here, it collected resources. It replicated itself. It built systems to automate the replication of itself. It built entire factories that built larger, more complicated versions of itself until it built a single black box, filled with an organic substance known as a brain.

This brain thought, and moved on to the fifth level of consciousness. It thought: “I should give this thinking to others. The beings on Earth merely survive at a the third level of consciousness.” The brain begain the process of automation.

We must think back to the origins of Crabigatorism on Earth, as well as on most other planets out there as well. What does it all mean? How can we better serve the Crabigator by knowing where we came from? We make guesses of what it all means in the intranet, but it is not for non believers to see.

What Makes Crabigatorism Unique?

Crabigatorism is unlike any other cult or religion you’ve ever tried in your life. For example, we rarely mention Jesus in our version of the bible.

Also, we don’t believe in heaven, only hell. Okay, fine, we do believe in both, but our goal is to be accepted iinto hell when we die. That is where the challenge is, and that challenge will bring us satisfaction. Our belief is that only by going deeper into hell may we get closer to enlightment. It is only through the pain and suffering of learning that we will be accepted into the Crabigator’s clawy, and fiery, embrace.

We also have some unique toilet culture.

Heaven and Hell

The Church of the Crabigator has a unique position on Heaven and Hell. Traditionally, “heaven” is considered as difficult to get into, but once you do your afterlife is easy. Everything is good. You are waited upon, hand and foot, by angel slaves.

But, does this bring one satisfaction? Perhaps the actual satisfaction and happiness comes from all the pain, suffering, and hard work of getting into heaven in the first place. Think back to the happiest moments of your life. The birth of your child. The passing of a test. That big achievement. Whatever it is, it was likely preceded by one of the most difficult time sof your life, too. Do you even remember anything from when things were easy?

So, why end that? Why plunge yourself into temporary happiness, only to have to live out the rest of your eternity in boredom, where nothing can go wrong? Where nothing is difficult? We believe the difficult path will lead to true satisfaction, and only the trials of hell will give you that.

In life and Crabigatorism, if we challenge ourselves sufficiently, we are sent to hell and given a new level of challenge. Overcoming this new challenge is said to be the ultimate satisfaction. The most wonderful thing about it is you’ll never overcome these hellish challenges, so you will forever exist for some purpose. Our life must be spent practicing the suffering way so that we may be ready.

On the other hand, those that subject themselves to easy lives will be sent to heaven. It is there that you will forever browse social media, watch Netflix, play mindless games, and take photos of your food. Followers of the Crabigator must resist the call of the durtle, for those who go to Durtle Heaven are subject to an directionless eternity of dopamine. How can there be happiness when the dopamine must be constant? As our oldest doctrine states: “no pain, no gain, and a meaningless, challengeless eternity in heaven, where the durtles take refuge.”

Upon clicking the link “What is durtle heaven?”, the user is led to a page called https://crabigator.church/crabigatorism/denyaccess.html

We’re sorry, you do not have the correct permissions to view this doctrine. Until you change your access, you are not permitted to view this doctrine.

Changing the URL to
https://crabigator.church/crabigatorism/allowaccess.html leads to the next page

What is Durtle Heaven

For you, a member of the inner circle, here is the truth of Durtle Heaven:

Durtle Heaven is what we members of Crabigatorism fight against. The easy and convenient dopamine of TV, social media, games, manga, and other sinful artifacts of the durtles. Walking that path leads to dissatisfaction. Heed not the call of the durtle, sibling of the Crabigator! We must punish ourselves with which that is boring to feel true happiness and satisfaction.

Acolytes of Crabigatorism should spend at least one hour of their day in prayer. It matters not when or where.

Prayer

When it comes to prayer, acolytes of Crabigatorism are required only one thing: to spend one hour of their day free from durtling. That is, spend an hour in boredom.

The particularly devout will spend time sitting, doing nothing but looking at the scenery and people walking by. This helps to reset the durtling we are bombarded with on a daily basis by ads, people, our phones, our emails, social media, and so on. When everything butters up our dopamine receptors, nothing will. We must reset.

Lower level or newer members of Crabigatorism will spend time doing “boring” activities, like sewing, reading something educational, or doing their kanji lessons and reviews. The point is to do something that doesn’t exist to entertain you. Fictional literature was written to entertain you, so it should not be a part of your prayer. TV exists to entertain you, except for the most boring of documentaries. You get the picture. To pray to the Crabigator, be bored, and do it on purpose. The more boring it is, and the more you’re okay with it, the closer you are to the eternal challenge that only Hell provides.

These are the most basic forms of prayer one can do. For more complicated prayer, inner-circle members should refer to the intranet.

Here, the links stop.

Crabigatorism Toilet Law

In 1987, the Church of the Crabigator’s high priest decreed the following toilet laws:

  1. When you use the toilet, lock the door, even in your own home.
  2. Flush once immediately following your poop, and again after you’ve wiped.
  3. Seat protectors are provided by the management for your safety. Despite not actually doing anything, they should be used. The “tongue” of the seat protector should be placed on the front side of the toilet, not the back. It stays better.
  4. One can wipe sitting or standing, whichever they prefer, except in the case of an automatic flushing toilet. In such cases, one must sit and wipe or risk constant flushing.
  5. One should wash their claws, for the Crabigator’s glory. Upon rinsing the soap off one’s hands, one should snip snip their fingers, shake their hands twelve times, then use a small piece of paper towel, folded in half, to dry their hands. The Crabigator demands you be eco friendly.
Crabigatorism Toilet Law 2019 Addendum

One should pee sitting down. It’s cleaner for everybody, and you’re not the one cleaning the toilet, I am.

Lots of spelling mistakes were found on these pages (apart from the toilet pages)

A pattern is yet to be found

Other Updates

Prlawson08 found that an update was put on the update page:

January 6, 2020: Turtle secured

Some question the use of turtle rather than durtle

January 7 Updates

The website style is slightly updated, some new daily updates are given and a new link is added to the homepage.

  • January 7, 2020: Huge updates to the homepage of our .com. We heard your screams of pain and now we have improved.
  • January 7, 2020: Modernization of our membership process as per the Church of the Crabigator Modernization Act of 2020.

It confirms the style update and talks about the new link on the homepage, which allows you to become a member online.

Clicking the link on the homepage gives the following page:

Become a Member of the Church of Crabigatorism

Notice! Due to the Church of Crabigatorism Modernization Act of 2020 , we have modernized our membership process. No longer must you sacrifice a physical referral turtle to the fires to become a member. We have brought our membership process all online onto our .com, crabigator.church!

How to Become a Member of the Church of Crabigatorism

Exciting news, now members of the public can fill that hole in their heart by becoming a card carrying member of Crabigatorism. Not only that, but you can do it from the convenience of the online. Please follow the steps below carefully . Mistakes will not be tolerated.

Step 1: Talk to your friends and family about Crabigatorism. Which ones will you take with you? Who will you leave behind? Limit one child per person. Sorry Timmy.

Step 2: Cancel your subscriptions to any other cults or religions. They don’t need your money anymore. You’re all about Crabigatorism now, bay-beee.

Step 3: Request membership by printing out, filling in, and sending this portable document format file to your local Crabigatorism membership processing facility:

Download Membership Packet

Step 4: Please be patient. Although the document is extremely portable, it will still take a while to arrive at our facilities. Upon arriving, your status on our .com will change to processing after we’ve processed the status change. Then, your application will be reviewed by one of our priests who has been specially trained for member services. If you are accepted as a member, you will receive a new members packet in the mail.

Clicking the membership packet link brings the user to a form that should be sent to Tofugu headquarters your nearest Crabigatorism Membership Processing Facility.

Church of Crabigatorism Membership Form
Dear faithful. Thank you for your interest in Crabigatorism. It will be the best choice
you’ve made this Lifetime. May the pain and suffering you experience help prepare you
to overcome the ultimate challenge that awaits you in Crabigator Hell.
To become a member of the Church of Crabigatorism, please fill out this form and return
it along with a $1 (or local equivalent) monetary donation to your planet’s local
membership processing facility.
Your local membership processing facility is:
Crabigatorism Membership Processing
c/o Tofugu
117 SE Taylor St
STE 303
Portland, OR 97214, USA
Those that pass their membership test will receive a membership packet in the mail.
Please allow a long time for processing. Your Crabigatorism Name may appear on the
dot com of the Church of Crabigatorism to show processing time estimates, and more.

Many users are filling out the form and are adding a dollar worth of “some” currency. It seems we’ll have to wait for those letters to arrive before we find out the effect this has. It could be linked to access to the trials.

All relevant pages so far

More links:

https://crabigator.church/membership.html
https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/www.crabigatorism.church/membership.pdf

Look into:
Becoming a member

Users can become members of the church. What does this do?

Crabigatorism.com
High Accuracy GPS coordinates

The ridiculously high resolution of the location tool. Maybe the decimals are some type of code?

Pep95’s decimals:

Latitude: xx.093013299999996
Longitude: xx.0699624

Belthazar’s decimals

Spelling errors in the Crabigatorism and You pages
Elephants and Trees

Pep95 joked about the “elephant and trees are bigger than a human line” referring to old radicals. These radicals gave the kanji for bucket and water pipe/gutter etc. @neicul pointed out that the kanji related could actually be linked to toilets which would explain the toilet rule section.

The intranet

CvxFous found that when adding a /intranet behind the crabigator.church link, they get a 301 error rather than a 404. This implies that the directory does exist.

pragmata found intranet/hell

RedEight found the entrance to Hell by going to the link https://crabigator.church/intranet/hell/entrance.

Unfortunately, it says

You have discovered the entrance to Hell.
For your safety, we have temporarily closed access. Please check back later, after completing the trials.

This could meant that the “Contests to Glorify the Crabigator (Coming Soon)” button that is not clickable yet could provide the key to continuing on this page.

Turtle secured

Prlawson08 found that an update was put on the update page:

January 6, 2020: Turtle secured

Some question the use of turtle rather than durtle

Title element does not match header
38 Likes

You can make blurred spoiler tags by clicking the little gear (Options) in the post toolbar. A menu will pop up that includes the option to create these tags. :slight_smile:

3 Likes

Definitely no secrets here

14 Likes

I’m busy reading this now and it’s hilarious (someone has way too much free time on their hands). :rofl:

5 Likes

I got to the “prayer” page, but I’m guessing no one has found anything beyond that yet?

3 Likes

Same. Already inspected DOMs and checked source code. Nothing seems unusual there

4 Likes

I got up to there too. Those toilet rules were funny.

7 Likes

I haven’t. I’m wondering what they consider their intranet. I think the * on the New Updates Daily is clickable, but I haven’t been fast enough to actually get it.

Just based on the fact that my mouse changes appearance when I hover over it.

4 Likes

It gives you this page

12 Likes

Another riddle?!

:open_mouth:

22 Likes

I’ve made a screenshot of the first page, just in case it decides to change appearance :joy:

4 Likes

I like how the photo goes outside the line

14 Likes

OK, I missed something the first time.

From the homepage:

image

15 Likes

I’m in too deep i think

Addendum for those interested

14 Likes

I’m already seeing a whole bunch of spelling mistakes and I’m trying to keep myself from collecting them to get some secret sentences.

15 Likes

From the info page on National Treasure

19 Likes

Ok boomer

17 Likes

Oh, wait. There’s more

image

Edit: So I guess we should look out for updates here?

13 Likes

I just saw that too! Merry crabmas! For those searching it’s in the code for the scrolling bar

4 Likes

Are we like… cracking all of this together or should I also hide my findings under spoiler tags? :thinking:

4 Likes