Requesting Writing Help!

[darkness_rising]

I’m writing an essay for my Japanese class, and my teacher pointed out a couple areas that were incomprehensible/incorrect, and I’m struggling with how to fix them. Help would be appreciated!

星やわく星が多すぎて私たちは小さすきます。

My teacher highlighted the bold part as being incorrect. The obvious mistake is that I made a typo and wrote き instead of ぎ but is there anything else wrong there? I’m thinking I maybe should have wrote 少なすぎます.

私たちはとてもりこうの社会に住んでいるでしょう。

My teacher said that the bold part was incomprehensible. I meant to say something along the lines of “We would probably live in a very smart society [because a lot of people will be educated].” In hindsight, I see that I should have used な instead of の. Would changing that fix it, or is this a sentence that doesn’t translate well into Japanese and I should try a different phrasing?

もしいつも星々が見えたら、星々が平凡かもしれません。普段の光景だけですか。

The bolded sentence is apparently also incomprehensible; I included the sentence before it for context. I meant to ask “If you could always see the stars, the stars might become normal. Would it just be an ordinary sight? [as opposed to something special]” Not sure what went wrong there specifically…

Thanks!

[Saida]

@darkness_rising

星やわく星が多すぎて私たちは 小さすきます 。

My teacher highlighted the bold part as being incorrect. The obvious mistake is that I made a typo and wrote き instead of ぎ but is there anything else wrong there? I’m thinking I maybe should have wrote 少なすぎます.

I’m not sure about the logic of this sentence. “There are too many planets/stars and satellites, and (so) we are too small.” Context?

@darkness_rising

私たちはとても りこうの社会 に住んでいるでしょう。

My teacher said that the bold part was incomprehensible. I meant to say something along the lines of “We would probably live in a very smart society [because a lot of people will be educated].” In hindsight, I see that I should have used な instead of の. Would changing that fix it, or is this a sentence that doesn’t translate well into Japanese and I should try a different phrasing?

Maybe 利口 only refers to people, since the mouth kanji is literally in there. The society’s mouth works well? I’m not sore how else to express the collective intelligence of a society, though.

@darkness_rising

もしいつも星々が見えたら、星々が平凡かもしれません。 普段の光景だけですか。

The bolded sentence is apparently also incomprehensible; I included the sentence before it for context. I meant to ask “If you could always see the stars, the stars might become normal. Would it just be an ordinary sight? [as opposed to something special]” Not sure what went wrong there specifically…

You’ve phrased it as a factual question. There is no ‘would’ in your Japanese question. Maybe add some future tense and uncertainty markers. I’m not sure about the word choice, so I’ll leave that as is: 普段の光景になるのでしょうか。

[darkness_rising]

Thanks for the input! I’ve decided that I’m having trouble explaining what I meant in English, and I wrote all that at like 3AM so I’m just going to scrap it and rephrase lol.

[ShinobuSagi]

@darkness_rising

I’m thinking I maybe should have wrote 少なすぎます.

Probably. You’re going for a juxtaposition between “many” and “few” (not small). Still, I’m not sure how much sense “we are few” makes in Japanese. Maybe replacing ‘us’ with ‘humans’ would be better?

@darkness_rising

“We would probably live in a very smart society [because a lot of people will be educated].”

Taking into account what Saida said (that りこう might not be applicable to societies), you could rephrase that as “We would be living in a society with a lot of very smart/educated people.”

[ItsTokiTime]

For the first sentence:

星やわく星が多すぎて私たちは 小さすきます 。

Do you mean that the number of the stars makes us feel small? Maybe something like*

星やわく星が多すぎて私たちは 自分の小ささを感じます。 or 人間の小ささを感じます。

[darkness_rising]

Thanks for the help everyone! I submitted the essay and everything, here’s an update on my struggles:

When will I learn how to proofread.

[Myria]

I feel your pain.