Somehow accidentally deleted the original post I made
Basically, for grammar practice, I wrote a short story using words and structure from memory. (I looked up some of the kanji, as well as two words) I wrote a bunch more here but I’m annoyed at my phone so this is all I’m gunna say to introduce this lol.
What I’ve ended up with. (Probably still clunky, but I passed it through 文法— check and I’ve been actively taking community suggestions.) Going to try and use the summary tool to mention any changes.
Based on suggestions- a few changes were made! Including just referring to the 「店員」as such rather than switching to referring to him as just an「男の子」.
Added 「女の人に」to the first sentence for additional context.
Also, the last two sentences were changed from: 「男の人は大声で「えびを取る」と言い「これは質問じゃない」。
女は速く走るが男も走る。追うえびは始まる。」
What I was trying to say (in the hand written original):
The salesperson asks loudly “you over there, do you want shrimp?”
The woman (he was talking to) is in a hurry, so she ignores him.
The man yells “take the shrimp, this isn’t a question”
The woman quickly runs and so does the man. So the shrimp chase begins…
The original on paper, genuinely really bad but I’m kinda proud of it! (Even if a few words and kanji were wrong for the word I was looking for.)
Exactly the kinda critique I was looking for ~ Thank you! Super excited to have learnt about meireikei form, seems super useful in differentiating between a polite request/ suggestion and a command (I imagine it’s best for situations like when a kid is about to hurt themselves?). As for the “this isn’t a question”, i think the original intention was lost in my inability to use the language at the moment. I was trying to communicate that the 店員 changed from polite but loud to then becoming a demanding maniac… which tbh meireikei form does wonders for! I honestly had no clue what I was gunna write when I first sat down lol
Hahahahaha I love the idea of “the shrimp that chases” but I’ll edit it… I did look that one up though and it seems to have a more “flighty” nuisance, however I want the pursuit that’s implied in 追う. Should I just switch the order?
I just came to the realisation that there’s no use for particles here (since they’re two completely unconnected words). It’s the “title” of the chase- so would switching the word order make more sense in that context?
Congratulations for your nice idea, and an extra plus for handwriting it on paper (and in たて書き even )
It isn’t stated the 店員 is a 男、so I first thought there were three personages, 店員、女の人、男の人. Maybe you can put a small sentence to introduce the shop person as a man, or just keep referring to him as 店員 all along.
Also, it isn’t stated that 店員 addresses someone in particular. Without the English version, I thought the shop person was just yelling in the street, the women got a bit afraid and ran, and a third man with a shrimpomania, jumped in to force the woman to take it
Maybe a 女の人に in the と聞く sentence coul link it with the following.
(and as Cat Master said, えびの追い is what you want to say : a chasing somewhat related to shrimp )
That totally makes sense! Especially since his style of speech changes so drastically… I’ve decided to stick to 店員 since I only want to make simple changes to what I have! I feel like it’s better learning for me this way. I’ll keep in mind the extra suggestions from this thread for when I do this again!
Super excited to have learnt about meireikei form, seems super useful in differentiating between a polite request/ suggestion and a command (I imagine it’s best for situations like when a kid is about to hurt themselves?). As for the “this isn’t a question”, i think the original intention was lost in my inability to use the language at the moment. I was trying to communicate that the 店員 changed from polite but loud to then becoming a demanding maniac… which tbh meireikei form does wonders for! I honestly had no clue what I was gunna write when I first sat down lol
but I’ll edit it… I did look that one up though and it seems to have a more “flighty” nuisance, however I want the pursuit that’s implied in 追う. Should I just switch the order?
! Thank you!