Any kind and bored souls willing to proofread a short Japanese written assignment?

My draft for my IB Japanese written assignment is due tomorrow. I am approximately 300 字 over the word count, and most of it probably doesn’t make sense. Could somebody give me a general idea of what I should be cutting out/rephrasing to make it better? Admins, please take down this thread if it is not allowed.

I am writing a womens’ newspaper article about the psychological impacts of 教育ママ on children’s growth and development (though I am neither qualified on Japanese nor psychological matters):






Well I am equally unqualified, but here is my 2円 worth of feedback. :slight_smile:
Your text uses pronouns e.g. 彼女, 彼女たち quite frequently - maybe you could slim your 字 count by removing some of them? My understanding is that pronouns are not used in Japanese as extensively as in English.
Also, in the last paragraph it sounds as if you are speaking directly to someone, using ください, whereas the rest of the article is indirect. So that might be something to consider rephrasing? (Or maybe it is exactly what you intended - in which case, please ignore!)
I hope that helps.

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This is by no means a thorough thing, but a few things popped out at me.


You can find this in a dictionary, but I think クライアント is more common.

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