I agree it’s overly verbose, but this one is particularly long because it’s trying to introduce two new characters and two important readings. It’s sort of a weird case because they usually don’t emphasise two readings as much, and in later levels they already have the recurring cast set up, and by then you’re expected to have formed some associations with them.
Hard Gay and the shogun are gonna keep showing up, although not always as colourfully.
(I don’t like Hard Gay as a character, but he’s certainly an effective mnemonic, I guess. Especially if you look him up, which you might have to do once or twice. omukai definitely has a point.)
Yours would probably be ineffective for many WK users who rely on the visualisation aspect of the WK mnemonics, because it’s hard to form a vivid image out of it. Also, many of them are intentionally silly or absurd to prompt an imaginative/emotional response that promotes memory formation. I’m not saying you have to like it, agree with it, or find it acceptable - I’m warning that it’s just gonna keep happening, especially with some of the radicals. Some of them I can’t remotely visualise either, I just shrug and make up my own in that case. I use the majority so I’m happy.
So, yeah, they could edit that story to be more concise, but it would still be long and have a lot of elements. I just focused on the Hard Gay bit at first and later the shogun. It helps it’s a very common kanji and you see both readings a lot.
However, having formed the mnemonic yourself is going to be better than using WK’s if the mnemonic is any good. Different strokes for different folks.