i am sick of being a snowflake i want to be able to talk with people and have interactions and not cry too like the other people seem to be able to do
It’s nice to be able to see other people interact. I think that’s what it needs to be for me, truly, and I’m telling myself it’s not because there’s something wrong with me but it doesn’t feel that way and I know there’s a metric ton of people who would tell me that my feelings and reactions are bad/wrong/pathological/etc., but they are incorrect.
I have to put this somewhere: the idea of pathology itself is one of the worst. I mean, what can we do without it, but in the end it’s completely dehumanizing.
And absolutely also this: if it were possible for me I’d have “fixed” what was “wrong” with me decades ago. I’m doing everything and have also done everything. The remaining thing to do is go back into the car/tour bus/airplane/orbital capsule and just look as the stars shine. Bees can’t sting me in the eyes if the window’s rolled up. I can’t get decompression injuries if I don’t touch that airtight seal.
This, more than anything else, is why I love my friends. By god bees are gonna sting me in the corneas but if we hang out and that only happens a couple times per year? Man, as far as I’m concerned we’re friends forever!!!
My aunt says the key to this is, “Don’t care! It’s great! It’s a magical solution to everything!” But some things are simply not fully modifiable. Her adjusted advice was, “Don’t watch. Get away.” And so far that’s been the best thing. But it also has a significant cost. 
But it’s not as bad as the cost of watching or not being away, and it seems hard for me to remember that over multi-month periods.
… 
