Forum Safety and the Disabling of PMs

children are naive. water is wet.

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Hnnngh. Okay, some people on here don’t seem to get how this sort of thing works. As @Safarigirl says, it’s a “light of day” sort of thing. Yes, it WORKS.

“Oh people will just post their email.” Why would they post their email/other personal identifying information if they haven’t been groomed into it? Kids ARE given an internet education. They know not to share facebook, etc openly. That’s not the part they don’t understand.

“Grooming” is the key word. It works on adults, but it REALLY works on kids who lack the experience to recognize the red flags. This is where you engineer a “close” relationship with someone to build trust so they’re willing to give you more and more information. It’s kind of a snowball, but you have to have the little snowball to roll into a bigger one. That’s what PMs are: the little snowball. When you have a forum full of adults, it’s really hard to groom a kid without getting caught by the adults UNLESS you can talk to kids privately. And yes, I was targeted at 15, along with a fellow 15-year-old chatter. (Sadly, there was no flagging back then and we had to let the predator go free.)

Helpful note: if you’re 15 (esp. a girl) and an adult says “You’re really smart for a 15 year old,” that’s a red flag! They might be fine, but it’s a pretty common opening. It doesn’t START with the sex stuff, FFS. People on here saying she should’ve avoided the “obvious pedo” clearly don’t have a clue how it actually works. It always starts out innocuous. Often it looks like mentoring.

“It’s just one bad apple.” Lol I’m a woman in her 30s who’s been on the internet since she’s 10 and no it’s not, not even close. If you want PMs that bad, for god’s sake make a Tumblr and share it on here. Sacrificing even a single child for a minor convenience is appalling. Sure a kid might put up their Tumblr, but first they’d have to have a reason. At the very least it’s an extra step.

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Or could make it more dangerous if it is instantly transferred to an email adres or other social media/communication platforms. Instead of here on a forum where it can be flagged and dealt with by moderators. I do agree with it throws up a road block but I doubt it would dissuade the really determined group :).

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No argument from me. There is no foolproof solution beyond shutting down the forums entirely and no one wants that.

There’s nothing petty about this incident. An adult came in intending to swindle someone he knew would be vulnerable to that kind of swindling, and it nearly worked.

You’re acting like she got caught cheating on her math homework or something. The consequences of this incident could’ve had an effect on her for the rest of her life.

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B-But water is not wet!

That, I feel brings up the question: how many of the people who would do this are “really determined”? If this doesn’t stop the really determined, but it does stop the opportunists and the kind-of-determined, then isn’t that still a lot of people stopped and a lot of potential victims saved?

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Are you also the type of person who believes in telling people “Don’t get raped” instead of “Don’t rape people in the first place” ?

It was the adult’s responsibility to not harass her and I doubt that she was looking for unwanted advances by some creepy guy when she signed up on WaniKani.

You wouldn’t be saying these sorts of things if this happened to your own sister or someone else that you’re close to.

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As a girl who also has been on the internet since she was around 12. Not everyone gets an internet education. It is less common then you think. Everyone should get it but most of the users don’t. Or share information anyway. Even without the grooming.

That actually is an important question. And to determine the case in this situation we are missing a big chunk of information.

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I am appalled by this news!

I believe this was ultimately a smart decision, I personally will miss the feature but I would rather this be a safe space that everyone can use, especially younger people who are especially vulnerable to online grooming. I am worried it may encourage users to share details of accounts they have on social media which are much more personal and therefore put users at risk but there are also websites people have mentioned like LINE where people can PM whilst giving away relatively small amounts of personal information. At least if someone is openly sharing details to these websites on a forum people are around and aware that PM’s may be happening between individuals and can look out for their safety.

This is ultimately safer, and whilst annoying to lose a tool I know many of us were using for learning as well as socialising there are other platforms available. And enough of the victim blaming mentality please, @anon85167355 undoubtedly has enough to deal with without people trying to shame her. She has learnt about internet safety the hard way but she has learnt now and it was very brave of her to try and use this platform to make others aware of potential dangers in an effort to keep them safe too.

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Thank you. This is EXACTLY what happened. Of COURSE he didn’t start out with making advances. I never would’ve let him get close to me if that were the case. If I wasn’t so dumb, I would’ve seen the red flags. He started out small, building trust, etc.

As for you people, you know who you are, yes. I was dumb. I was a stupid dumbass about this, and it’s my fault for not reporting it sooner. But I WAS SCARED! He tricked and manipulated me, and I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t say hurtful things to me. I’m already saying those things to myself, okay? I don’t need it coming from someone else. @ajcr

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I’m certain it’s at least better than it was when were young. But all the more reason to make the grooming process transparent! If you saw a 15-year old put private information up here, you’d probably warn them, right? If they don’t get a proper education from school/parents, then they can get it from the experienced adults. Even if a predator IS super-determined, they wouldn’t be able to lay down bait without us seeing something. Unless they have PMs.

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Well try not to do that too much either. That’s how you end up with lasting health issues.

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So sad… I actually used it to compare things with friends who don’t want to be on the forum :frowning: :broken_heart:

It kind of feels like a group punishment…

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@archiearchaea but… how would I know if they were 15?

@anon85167355 Don’t let people get to you. I will say it again. You are not to blame and you did a good thing by informing moderaters on WK.

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It’s good to reflect on the mistakes you made so you don’t get hurt in the future, but it is absolutely not your fault for being inexperienced at 15! Many of these manipulative techniques work even in adult relationships because they start subtle, and we have to learn the hard way. I’m so sorry you had to learn like this, especially so young.

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The same way the predator knows! They don’t target people willy-nilly. They target the ones they KNOW are young and vulnerable.

EDIT: Both I and the other girl had given our age—and very little else—before we were targeted. It is definitely a thing.

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Wait… what? I am sure what you have written down is not how you are meaning it to sound. Or maybe it is and I should be highly offended.