Just being willing to take a stand (and for more than just PR reasons) and not sweep it all under the rug is so huge. It’s clear how much you care about this community and the people in it. I think you’ve handled a horrid situation the best that you can and I absolutely applaud you for it. It’s hard to see things like this coming because nobody wants to believe it could happen so close to home. Kudos for being on the ball as soon as you were aware something was up. 
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Woah, I applaud for the very fast response to the whole situation. To be honest I have never really used the PM system much myself except to wish some random users a birthday message–which I now realize may have been an odd thing to do. Eek. 
As for suggestions like @koichi has asked for I suggest sending future users (or current users even) who are under the age of 18 a helpful email about the WK forums and internet safety. Sure, many people may ignore it thinking that they don’t need it or that they already know what to look for. Yeah, even more experienced or tech savvy users behave the same way when agreeing to a company’s terms and privacy policy. But I think that sending an email about it would be more up in your face and would force more users to at least check it out. Of course, I’m not saying that the email should be all drab and grey–it should be written with a upbeat and perhaps humorous tone–much like the emails I have received from WK in the past.
I don’t know if this was much help. Maybe other users will point out the flaws in my suggestion or whatever as soon as I post this and head to sleep. I don’t mind that much but I, too, want to prevent this kind of thing in the future. I would like to approach this as if Wanikani was my own company but I currently lack experience in these kinds of things so this is all I can do right now.
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It’s actually pretty obvious how old people are on forums, even without them mentioning their ages, if you’re paying attention to what people say. For example, young 'uns will talk about school, etc. It gets harder once they’re in the murky years after college and before retirement, because most people’s interests and hobbies are kind of ageless at that stage, and that’s usually what they talk about.
In other words, someone who’s looking to target, will find a target one way or another. But they’re easier to spot if a forum can force them out into the open by being public.
Still though, when all is said and done, this isn’t something I was expecting to find on this particular forum… it’s the kind of thing you’d expect on a boy band fan site or something…like, who’d think ‘oh yeah, kanji learners, bound to be some sweet innocent young things in there’ ? Seriously, I picture the average WK user as someone in flannel with a hipster beard/beret working at Starbucks to save money for their next hike in the Japanese Alps. Not target material.
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Good, the forum needs more animated shiny hearts flying around
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Yeah, all our yaoi hands were public so no harm no foul.
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If you do choose to go this route, it would probably be wise to couch the story in non-identifying terms. Not only for privacy of the victim, but also to protect WK and Tofugu from liability and lawsuit should the aggressor decide they’re being defamed.
Something like : welcome to the forums, here’s be rules, please be aware we take safety very seriously, and here’s why - one of our former members predated on a younger member of the community, etcetc. Behaviours to watch out for include: yada yada etc…’
It let’s people know something happened but in a way that keeps the incident from following the person who needs to be protected around everywhere.
Kudos to you folks for handling this with so much concern.
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It also occurs to me that the topic of how to avoid/spot predators in online forums might make a good Tofugu article. It’s not specifically Japanese, but no doubt this type of thing happens there too.
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I wasn’t aware of what was happening today until @bblum referenced this thread on the POLL thread, and then it took time for me to catch up, so I apologize for being quite late to the discussion (and also very very very thankful that it hasn’t been closed)
I also apologize ahead of time because I think this is gonna be a long post,
For starters, more than anything, I need to thank @anon85167355 for having the immense and beautiful courage to talk about what happened. Your original post had me in crunched-up-in-a-ball tears, because I felt so intensely both anger that you’d gone through it and this other feeling that I have a harder time explaining, its like thankfulness that you spoke up and also a feeling of hope, like the world can get better because you had the courage to share your story and people were supportive.
I’m especially glad your post was heavily peppered with expletives, because being targeted by monsters is definitely a situation that warrants the strongest f*cking language available.
Seriously, I’m 31 and I’m still trying to talk about what I went through myself and its so.damned.inspiring. to see how you came through and had the strength to out the guy. I want you to know that seeing your courage is helping me too, because your words and the support that the community gave you means more than I know how to express. I hope that everyone around you piles mountains and heaps and loads of support and encouragement for you and that you can come through all of this awfulness and stay a complete and spectacular and amazing and whole human being.
To anyone who is feeling uncomfortable about the swift reaction to disable the PMs, I want you to know some things about me and hopefully you will be able to see another perspective you maybe haven’t had a chance to consider or even know about. From what I can see so far, even people who are unhappy are still open to learning more and I think that is pretty rare.
TW: Sexual Assault
In August of 2011 I lived in my friend Amy’s condo and we threw a pool party. An old friend, Pete, brought his new coworker friend Jeff. Pete and Jeff were too drunk after the party to drive home and stayed on the couches. I was passed out in my own room and in the middle of the night was assaulted by Jeff. In the morning I told Amy and she said “well you were drunk last night and you wore a bikini to the party” and I just kind of shut down and wasn’t able to process it any further. Months later I told Pete and then also my best friend Selena but neither of them did anything or said anything, later saying they didn’t know what to do.
Years later I found out that Pete had stayed friends with Jeff in secret, and that they had become very close. I told my group of friends that I couldn’t be around anyone who needed Jeff in their life and no one was willing to stand up for me. In the end I had to stand up for myself, by myself. I cut ties with all of my them, my oldest, closest (and really only) friends, and moved to a new apartment and was alone for quite a while.
This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this in a public forum.
I have made new friends, but I am still terrified of drinking with people. I’m much better but I’m still not completely back to my carefree, smily, happy-go-lucky old self. The thing is, I’m not afraid someone will hurt me, I’m afraid it will be seen as my own fault if I’m intoxicated or my own fault for whatever other BS reason someone wants to cling to. What I’m afraid of most is being victim-blamed again.
The night I was attacked I thought I was safe, surrounded by the best kind of friends you could imagine. I didn’t know what my attacker knew. He knew that I was an easy target and that my friends would be too uncomfortable and reluctant to hold him accountable. It makes me sick to think what was going through his head, but what has continued to hurt me more was finding out that the people I trusted most, weren’t worth the trust I had placed in them.
That is why it is important for communities to be so clear about assault and abuse. When predators know they will not be held accountable, they are free to do as they please. Predators feel welcome when people are willing to blame victims instead of blaming the predators themselves. That is why it is so meaningful that the PM system was disabled right away, regardless of if it is later put back in place. What happened today on these forums sends a clear message that this place is NOT safe for predators. That is the kind of place I want to be a part of.
I also wanted you to know where I’m coming from so that you’ll know what it means when I say that for the first time in years I feel like I’ve found somewhere that I can really, genuinely feel safe. I feel safe because of the way WK staff reacted and I feel safe because of the way the community reacted. It means more to me than I know how to explain. I feel safe.
While it may be frustrating or inconvenient for some of you, I want you to know that today was life-changing for me.
So to @anon85167355 who is now my hero and the bravest girl I know, and to @koichi, @anon20839864, @viet and all the WK staff who acted so quickly to help protect this safe and wonderful place you’d built, thank you so so much. Thank you from the bottom of the heart of someone who has suffered a long time in fearful and painful silence. You make me feel like everything is gonna be okay.
TL;DR
You all helped me process some really heavy stuff tonight and now I love you, so there.
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I’ll take that all day over most of the internet’s image of Japanese learners.
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For the record, I did read everything. I am happy WK got to help you with processing your own story. I am so sorry to read about what happened to you. And most of all that your friends did not help you with this. I hope you found better friends but after an experience like I would be totally sceptic of people being my friends. I hope you are ok now :).
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Well now you just have to tell everyone about your adorable nephew! Or teach me how to use the group discord because I have no idea…
I used the PM function probably three or four times. It was nice but I won’t miss it. Good call on disabling PM.
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thank you, too, for telling your story. it tugs at my heart to learn that the first place you’re able to feel safe like that is an internet forum full of not-quite-strangers. not that we can or should be any way else, but i hope you can come to find irl relationships that are worth having the same degree of trust in again someday.
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Your response made me well up in tears this morning and I just want to send you a big internet hug . This has been a safe and healing place for me too and I’m so glad everyone wants to make the effort to keep it that way.
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Hey there!
So sorry to hear about what happened to you. If what I’m assuming is correct, you obviously went through much worse then I did. I’m so glad that I could help someone – that was the whole reason that I spoke not; not to cause unnecessary drama. I’m really sorry that you had to go through that.
Thank you so much for your kind words to me, it really means the world. Even though it took me 2 whole months to have the courage to come out and say this, I’m so glad that it could help you. There’s no shame in talking to a licensed professional about your incident if you haven’t already, kay?
I wish you the best, @JupiterTomato. From the bottom of my heart. Your post made me tear up a little, both for your situation and in remembering mine. The only reason I’ve been able to do this and endure the victim shaming was because of the outstanding support at home. I really hope you have that support, and know that I’m with you 100%.
Stay strong and fight for it. I never realized that a little high schooler could make a difference, but I’m glad I could help with something.
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I’m really sorry to hear what you went through. In the end I know it can be extremely difficult to have to cut ties with friends in such a situation, but what you did was absolutely the right thing for yourself and your own mental health. I just wish you hadn’t had to endure it in the first place.
I’ve debated responding here for a while because reading some of the back-and-forth arguments left me angry, as well. But I want to say to @anon85167355 that what you did to expose this situation was extremely brave and has the ability to help others who may have been prone to experiencing something similar.
One reason it’s so difficult for victims to come forward in situations like these is victim-blaming. For some people it’s easier to blame the victim, to claim that they played an equal role in what occurred, rather than acknowledge that the perpetrator was wholly and utterly wrong in what they did. And that’s certainly the case here. What this person did to Elise was absolutely intentional and absolutely wrong, disgusting, and positively sick in every way. So shame on those who were victim-blaming, because that only hurts those who need help the most.
Assault
I’ve experienced both sexual harassment via forum PM’s (on other forums, not WK, to be clear) and in person, with my ex-boyfriend.
In short, he wanted me to do sexual things to him, which I didn’t want to do. But I was forced to do them in the end, under duress. Because I feared what he would do to me if I didn’t say yes. Because I wanted to be a good girlfriend and didn’t understand that this was wrong.
Many people don’t consider what I experienced to be assault because they claim I consented. That I allowed it to happen. But only in the past few years have I been able to recognize that consent under duress is not consent.
He has since tried to reconcile with me, and I’ve only kept him blocked because I know that no good will come of speaking with someone who did such things to me. And it’s the right thing to do. I’ve never really told anybody this, other than my current fiance, because it led to a few issues on my part.
Anyway, I don’t share this to cause fear, but to demonstrate how common it is for people (especially girls) to experience some form of harassment or assault in their lifetime, and how we must always work together as a community to combat it and ensure our members are safe. What the WK admin has done in recognizing this situation and disabling PM’s was a solid step in that regard, and I commend them for it.
Elise, I’m glad that you were able to avoid meeting him in person, and I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through. As you work through this, please don’t be afraid to seek help from professionals, because what you’ve experienced is serious and you deserve help from those who can provide it. You’re not alone.
Apologies if this post is scattered - this has been bothering me and I’m a tad shaky writing it now.
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Yeah, I’ve seen unnecessary drama before. This isn’t unnecessary drama, this is something very horrible that happened that absolutely needed to be talked about. It’s been said before, but don’t listen to the people blaming you or suggesting you are causing drama (on here or otherwise)- I think you’ve handled it was well as it could have been handled, and I’m glad you did, because now the community knows there’s a problem. To put it simply, “ignore the haters”.
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Koichi is having me write an article describing a sanitized version of my story, and I’d like you all to read it once I’m finished. That way you can have a more collected version, rather than a rant of what happened.
If any of you have stories concerning this particular individual, could you email them to me? I’ve set up a new account. elise5454@gmail.com
Know that these will be kept confidential, and your username wont be on there if you specify that you want to remain anonymous. I’d also appreciate any stories of grooming/sexual harassment from other people.
Thank you for your help!
@TomatoSalad @Kumirei Do mind sending me more info that you PMd me before the PM feature was disabled?
@JupiterTomato and @SleepyOne could you send me a copy of your story (not a rant, please).
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me out here! I promise I will keep anything and everything confidential, and if you don’t feel comfortable using your own gmail, make a new one. It’s free and takes 2 minutes. This will be purely for educational purposes.
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I’ve been debating writing my own story here but I have to run soon. Not sure if it would help in this case or not, but if there’s anything I can do to contribute, I’d like to.
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Without having to write an essay about this: don’t be an idiot about what you put on the internet. People wanting to take advantage of you exist everywhere and as other people have already said, the majority shouldn’t be punished because of a minority of perverts.
A feature where you can block PM’s from users by demand would’ve been much better. Educating your users on tools like this and how to be careful with their personal information online would be better. As it stands, removing PM’s gives one less option for everyone, regardless of how they want to use it. It makes a forum worse, not better.
This should be taken as a valuable life experience, not blown out of proportion like it’s being right now. Again, the internet is not a big family where you can hold hands and have a merry time with everyone around you. The sooner the younger generation realizes that, the better it’ll be for them.
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You’re acting as if this is an internet-specific problem when it most assuredly is not. Please take your victim blaming elsewhere.
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