Feedback Wanted on Poetry

Hello! Today I’m just looking for some help and feedback involved with my creation of two 短歌. (Tanka - A Japanese poem style with mora pattern in 5 lines of 5-7-5-7-7) I have created drafts for both the English and Japanese versions of it. This is also an end of quarter independent assignment I’m working in a creative writing class, but I also thought that I could insert this into the project. (Mostly because I’m obsessed with combining school subjects somehow.)
The current draft of the English poem is:

We, obligately,
create anthropology
with an intention,
but always unconsciously,
as nature always dictates.

“…and Curiosity”
Unconcerned with death,
we, individually,
strive for progression;
create strides for the future;
curiosity, obliged.

And the current draft for the Japanese version is:


知識を進む。Edit: 知識 from 知的 (small mistake)

Right now, I want to know how natural it sounds, how well its meaning is translated from the first to the second (of course it won’t be exact), and if there are any better vocabulary or grammar points that I can use. I tried to research and use as much directly translated words as possible and be as creative as I could with the grammar. At the moment, I think I’ve done all I could which is why I now ask for comments.


Bump. (Just checked the rules to make sure that that was legal here.)

Edit: Another question. Was the use of 我々 appropriate? I’m not completely sure about he connotation it has, but my impression so far is that it’s used for inspirational speech. (Which was the purpose.) There are many other synonyms for “we” and “people” if that one isn’t the best to use.

Say, one question:

What are the quotes for?

This may sound stupid, but I’m not really sure what’s being implied here.

The quotes also don’t seem to be repeated in the Japanese version, for whatever reason…

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Those are just the titles for each section. They are technically two separate poems.

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