Hello! Today I’m just looking for some help and feedback involved with my creation of two 短歌. (Tanka - A Japanese poem style with mora pattern in 5 lines of 5-7-5-7-7) I have created drafts for both the English and Japanese versions of it. This is also an end of quarter independent assignment I’m working in a creative writing class, but I also thought that I could insert this into the project. (Mostly because I’m obsessed with combining school subjects somehow.)
The current draft of the English poem is:
with an intention,
but always unconsciously,
as nature always dictates.
Unconcerned with death,
strive for progression;
create strides for the future;
And the current draft for the Japanese version is:
知識を進む。Edit: 知識 from 知的 (small mistake)
Right now, I want to know how natural it sounds, how well its meaning is translated from the first to the second (of course it won’t be exact), and if there are any better vocabulary or grammar points that I can use. I tried to research and use as much directly translated words as possible and be as creative as I could with the grammar. At the moment, I think I’ve done all I could which is why I now ask for comments.