Didn’t know that variation in meaning. Further, it seems that getting up from a chair can be a nuanced act: 「席を立つ」と「席を外す」と「席を離れる」の違い
Volume: Heartfelt
しみじみと妻のイビキを聞いている
しみじみとつまのイビキをきいている
4-5-4 attempt:
Alert, I hear / the deep drawn breaths of / my snoring wife
Is this a situation where the shoe is on the other foot? (i.e. the author is listening to his wife snoring with a vengeful satisfaction? ) If so, it’d be better served by the longer 5-7-5 version below:
Alert, I listen / to the labored breathing of / my wife as she snores
to Axazel with “my whole heart / absorbed in the sound of my / wife snoring”. This felt the most poetic to me.
But I decided to go with my own because of the grading rules (in the top post): it’s a 4-5-4 and doesn’t introduce any words other than “I’m” and “my” (but English phrases usually need subjects!). I also like that it leaves the reason for the “keenly attentive listening” (しみじみと聞いている) open to the reader’s interpretation.
REQUEST
Multiple submissions are fine, but please don’t put them in same reply. I still count “likes” when deciding winners winners and if there are multiple submissions in a reply, I don’t know which one is being liked. Multiple replies are fine (even if Discourse might encourage you to combine them).
Current senryu challenge
Volume: Global Truths
こんなおれでもこの世ではオンリーワン
This one proves that it’s not the kanji that make these tricky to interpret!
My thought (hardly a “hint” because I have very little confidence in my interpretation, but you may want to work on your own interpretation before revealing this, regardless):
I think the author just did something silly/stupid/embarassing. 「こんな!」is an exclamation I’ve heard for something that seems stupid or annoying. So I think this is basically about being the only person on earth who could do something so stupid. I’m slightly puzzled by the でも, however.
Remember to please use the spoiler tag with your translation attempts! Also, please include the reading in kana with your submission.
Everyone is encouraged to participate, no matter your level!
Here are the links to the 356 Japanese originals (spoiler free) and to the the spreadsheet with all the upcoming senryu as well as the translations to date.
こんなおれでもこのよではオンリーワン
4-5-4 version
No one am I, /
yet, in this world, the /
only one “me”
The ワン reminded me of the first time I encountered a ワンマン sign on a train in Kyoto and couldn’t figure out on the map where the station for ワンマン was. So, I asked the conductor 「ワンマンはどこでしょうか」 and he explained: 「ワンマンは私だけですから…」 We both had a laugh over it and, after I got out the station exit, proceeded to facepalm myself.
For those wondering: a ワンマン train only has a (single) driver. Most have at least two conductors in both the front and rear of the train to ensure passengers get on and off safely as well as physically driving the train. Why they chose to use the English words is anyone’s guess.
From a pure safety standpoint, Japanese trains are an absolute marvel. It’s unbelievable how few people are hurt by trains (or crowded stations) every year.
Interesting! You were probably wise not to read (or to ignore!) my thoughts on it being related to a mistake. I’m still leaning about 60% in favor of my interpretation, however. I know そんな is often a colloquialism for “that’s nuts!” or “no way!”. I may need to impose imposed on my family in Japan again!
Edit: Oh, God. I fear this has something to do with enka. I’m now suspecting it’s about karaoke or at least about the song!. [FALSE ALARM (thank heavens).] Maybe not. It might be referencing a song by SMAP
Edit 2:
Daughter says:
こんな俺 or こんな私 basically puts yourself down, so こんな俺でも is sort of like “even someone like me”. So @LaVieQ’s interpretation appears to be correct.
Now that I know what’s going on, here’s my attempt at a 3-5-3
こんなおれでもこの世ではオンリーワン
こんなおれ・でもこのよでは・オンリーワン
Even poor me
is the only me
in the world
Pro:
Keeps the meaning
3-5-3 4-5-4
Simple
Con:
Introduces the word “poor”. I couldn’t think of any other one syllable way to put yourself down, though. “Pitiful” works with 3 syllables, but I like “even poor” better.
Edit:
Wife chimes in: “I think it might be implying the song 「世界に一つだけの花」by SMAP.”
Lots of kanji today. I hope I’m not the only one that had to look up 惚れる.
I just tried my hand at this one, and once again I (probably wrongly) think the sentiment is easy to understand. The difficulty is turning it into three short stanzas of English!
Remember to please use the spoiler tag with your translation attempts! Also, please include the reading in kana with your submission.
Everyone is encouraged to participate, no matter your level!
Here are the links to the 356 Japanese originals (spoiler free) and to the the spreadsheet with all the upcoming senryu as well as the translations to date.
I like that. In fact, I think it works best as a one-liner. I’m starting to wonder whether the English equivalent of Senryu is one-liners rather than any form of syllabic prose.