て sentences, ommited subjects, and inversions

#1

Hi everyone!

I’m doing something kinda hard for my level, which is writing a song. I think it’s a great workout for my brain.
I’m having trouble with a lot of stuff, the main ones are omitted subjects/topics and sentences joined by て

First, can I use the progressive (or any) tense in the first part of the sentence, like
空が晴れていて、息を深くする。(meant as “The sky is clearing, I take a deep breath”)

Second, the subject here is 空, but then the second part is about me, not the sky anymore. Will a Japanese reader/listener understand that?
I put 僕は at the beginning of the song. Will the rest make sense?

For an example:
太陽が沈んで、僕は外出する。
(The sun is setting, I’m heading/going out | Here I mention “I”)
鍵を持って行って、電気を消す。
(I take my keys, turn off the lights | Makes sense since it’s all me doing stuff)
雨が降り始めて、車を開ける。
(It’s starting to rain, I unlock the car | Here I put rain as the subject, then it’s about me again. That’s what I’m unsure about)
本当にほしい。。。そんな感じ。
(I really want it… that kind of feeling | Bonus question: Can I do that? without putting が after 感じ which would be ugly)

Same with these two:
稲妻は閃いて、空を照らす。(Here the topic is 稲妻)
速さがほしくて、アクセルを踏む。(Here I’m talking about what “I” am doing, but I don’t change the topic again. I don’t know if that’s good or not.

Sorry for the long post :sweat_smile:

TL:DR
Can I put a tense in the first part of a sentence connected with て?
Can I shift between subjects or topics without mentioning it in the context of a song? Especially in a て sentence.
Can I invert stuff without the particles like 本当にほしい。。。そんな感じ。?

1 Like
#2

Honestly, if I’ve learnt anything from reading song lyrics, is that when you’re writing a song, you can do whatever you like, grammar-wise…

4 Likes
#3

It seemed that way too from the few songs that I tried to analyze :stuck_out_tongue:
Still unsure about て sentences and the change of subject within them though.
I’m afraid that people would interpret it as “Rain starts to fall and unlocks the car” x)

#4

We’re sinking captain!
Jack%20sparrow%20sinking

(upping the topic so people on the other side of the world can see it, I hope that’s okay)